Chronological Conundrum
by Satan's Sweeties
Summary: I inhaled sharply, sucking my cheeks in and biting the inside of my mouth. "It would appear as though I have somehow become sixteen again." L/Light, small Mello/Matt and Near/floor, sparse language, humor, altered circumstances.
1. Ch ch ch changes

When I woke up one sunny Monday morning, the first thought to run through my head was_ I wonder what's for breakfast_, followed by _Strange, my clothes feel baggier than before_ and ending with _Perhaps I have lost some weight; a quick check in the mirror should do me some good._ Just my luck, the chain that connected my wrist to Light-kun's was long enough for me to reach the bathroom without disturbing him from his slumber.

After I finally looked at my reflection, I had to suppress a scream by biting most painfully on my knuckles; my hair was much neater, I no longer had a hunch, the bags under my eyes were nonexistent, and my face was rounder and more child-like. Not knowing what to do, I absolved to scurrying back into the room and shaking Light-kun awake.

"What do you want, Ryuuzaki?" he mumbled, though it came out sounding so sleep-laced it was more like "whadyawanRyuuzaki?" Ignoring his refusal to fully wake up, I continued shaking him until he slapped my hands away and sat up, rubbing at his eyes and looking blearily at me. "Alright, I'm up. What do you want?" I waited until he could see me clearly, his sepia eyes widening incredibly at my appearance. "Ryuuzaki, what…?"

"Light-kun," I began, rubbing the back of my neck nervously, "I have a conundrum."

"Well, yeah, I see that. But what exactly happened?"

I inhaled sharply, sucking my cheeks in and biting the inside of my mouth. "It would appear as though I have somehow become sixteen again. If only I knew why…"

"How can you be so sure that you're sixteen?" he asked, eyes roving over my now-teenaged body before catching my own with a questioning glance.

"You know that burn mark on my right palm I told you I received when I was seventeen?" He nodded, and I showed him my unscarred, flawless palm. "Nothing, Light-kun. I fear something supernatural has happened, and I'm afraid you and I will have to travel to England; there are some folks there that might be able to help me sort this out. Normally I would ask if you had any objections to accompanying me, but because of the chain you have no choice. We will be leaving momentarily." Via Light-kun's cell phone, I contacted Watari and asked that he get us tickets for the earliest flight to Heathrow he could.

We helped each other pack before hurrying out the door and to the limo, Watari driving to the airport as fast as possible without breaking any laws. Quickly, he pulled into a parking space as Light-kun and I gathered our things, practically sprinting to the check-in and quite literally sprinting to the gate. Once on the plane, we plopped down into our seats, panting for breath and flushed from exertion. "Ryuuzaki," my companion panted, "you're lucky I'm eighteen. You'd've needed to get permission to fly alone, as you're now a minor. Now, if you wouldn't mind, could you please elaborate as to where we're going?"

"England, Light-kun," I replied, fishing a Kit-Kat bar out of my carry-on and offering a piece to him, forcibly shoving it in his mouth after he refused. "I do believe I said so before we left headquarters, or was I to assume you were actually paying attention when, in reality, you were not?"

Grimacing, he chewed up the candy, swallowing and shuddering before turning to face me again. "Ryuuzaki, I'm about three seconds away from strangling you with this chain," he threatened, jingling said chain menacingly. I opened my mouth to speak again but he cut me off with, "Shut the fuck up. I'm not Kira, so don't bother raising that percentage that you were just about to. _Where _in England are we going?"

"I cannot tell you the exact location, but what I can share is this: we are going to Wammy's House, an orphanage for gifted children that will train them in becoming the next L should I perish unexpectedly." His face softened after I said 'orphanage,' and he sat back in his seat and listened to me explain. "They are my successors, if you will, and I know that with their help we may be able to figure out what has happened to me and hopefully reverse it. I do enjoy being twenty-five, and being sixteen is no fun; I went through it once, Light-kun, and I'd rather not do so again."

And so commenced one of _the _longest plane rides I've ever had to endure, but eventually we landed in Heathrow, and thankfully one of the housekeepers at Wammy's was waiting outside the airport with a limo. I thanked her and ushered Light-kun into the backseat, tossing our luggage in the trunk before stepping in myself and closing the door. "Ryuuzaki, why the hell does an orphanage have its own limos?"

"Because we care about the children, Light-kun, and also because Mr. Wammy wants nothing less than the best for my successors," I explained, opening the mini-fridge and greedily wolfing down the slice of strawberry cheesecake I found there. Within no time at all, we arrived at the orphanage, and I tossed Light-kun his luggage while he just stood there and gaped at the sheer size of the building. "Yes, it is quite big. Please close your mouth, lest you attract flies." Growing impatient, I dragged him inside by the chain, hauling both our suitcases behind me as Roger greeted me at the door, instructing one of the workers to bring them to the room we'd be staying in.

"Is this where you grew up, too?" my chainmate wondered, staring up at the ceiling as if analyzing its vast size. Nodding, I tugged on the chain to indicate that we needed to move from the foyer and go search for my top three successors. "So, are we just gonna meander aimlessly until we find whomever it is you're looking for?"

"No, Light-kun," I answered, making my way over to the common room and pushing the doors open, "I happen to know precisely where the three I am looking for are. Matt is in here, sitting on one of the couches and playing a videogame; Near is on the floor, piecing together a puzzle; and Mello is sitting next to Matt, scowling at Near." I described each teen's location without so much as looking into the room, and sure enough they were exactly where I suspected them to be. Light-kun's mouth was open again so I closed it, murmuring, "The power of inductive reasoning is not to be underestimated."

"The blond one scares me," he confessed feebly, latching onto my arm as I rolled my eyes and walked over to the three teens, toting a very unwilling Light-kun with me.

I cleared my throat, alerting the three of them that they were not alone and had company. "Mello, Matt, Near, this is Light Yagami, my, um, _friend_, who also happens to be a suspect in a case I'm working on. Light-kun, these are my top three successors."

Mello snapped off a piece of the chocolate bar he was eating and raised an eyebrow at the cowering brunet attached to my arm. "Nice to meet you, Lightbulb." He turned to me, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring. "So, who the fuck are you?" he demanded, not recognizing me.

"I am L."

* * *

**Author's Note: **A funny little "altered circumstances" fic for you all because I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I DO. SERIOUSLY. Plus, Meohy said I should write some more teenage!L.

_So I complied._ And then you ended up with this. :)

Now, what makes it an "altered circumstances" fic? First off, Light is not Kira. Nope. Never was. L was just highly suspicious of him so handcuffed himself to him anyway. Because he's L, and he fucking can. 'Cause he be all epic n' shit like that. :D

Second of all, due to the reason stated previously, L is not going to die, so his successors don't need to take over for him. Ergo, they are still lounging out in jolly ol' England and trying to become first. Or at least, Mello and Near are. Matt really couldn't give a fuck what he ends up as.

Thirdly, and subsequently lastly, it's not "altered universe" because it still takes place within the original universe, just with different circumstances. Yesh.

Expect humor, crack, stupidity, Mello, some scattered language, extreme OOC moments, and plenty of other ridiculously yummy things that you readers scour the expanses of the internets to find.


	2. Meet the Wammies

Mello snapped off a piece of the chocolate bar he was eating and raised an eyebrow at the cowering brunet attached to my arm. "Nice to meet you, Lightbulb." He turned to me, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring. "So, who the fuck are you?" he demanded, not recognizing me.

"I am L."

Silence fell upon the room like a fresh blanket of snow on a winter—forget it. It got really silent, really fast. Nobody spoke for about thirty seconds until Mello's mouth opened so wide the piece of chocolate fell to the floor and he exclaimed, "WHAAAAT?" as Near ceased putting together his puzzle and Matt paid the situation no mind. "That's impossible! You can't be L! L's like, in his fucking twenties! If you're L, then prove it!"

"Alright," I mused, shaking Light-kun off my arm and shoving my hands in my pockets. "Matt, you are at the rank of third in the entire orphanage. You play videogames day and night, you rarely pick up a textbook, and yet you easily get near-perfect marks. Near, you are top of the rankings sheet time and time again, enjoy playing with toys and puzzles, and do not have many friends. Mello, you are always second, which constantly pisses you off; you have an affinity for chocolate, the color black, and beating up the other orphans. You and Matt are each others' best friend. Is this proof enough?"

Matt looked up from his game, un-goggled green eyes characteristically bright and unwavering. "I dunno, Mels. I think he's who he says he is. He's certainly hyperaware of who the hell we are and what we're like. Who else knows us better than _L_?"

"I concur," the small, albinoesque boy on the floor piped up. "As L's successors, one could only infer that he knows us the best, and most definitely would know the most intimate things about us. I believe this guy is in fact L. I am met with approval on the stance," he added, stroking the carpet lovingly.

Confused, I snuck a glance over at Matt, who stage-whispered, "He's floorsexual" and nodded his head as if confirming what he just said to be completely and utterly true.

"Doesn't fucking make _sense_, everybody's fucking _against _me…" the blond grumbled, scooting over on the couch so I could sit next to him, allowing Light-kun to sit on the armrest (and incidentally as far from Mello as possible). "So, 'L,' why are you all teen'd up and not an adult?"

I shifted in my seat, leaning my elbow on the armrest and pulling it away quickly after realizing my hand's close proximity to Light-kun's hindquarters, feeling my face heat up a bit. "That is part of the reason why I am here," I elaborated, finally deciding to just lean my elbows on my pulled-up knees. "I woke up at about ten this morning and found myself to be sixteen again. I was hoping that, with the combined intellectual power of all five of us, we could find the reason why this happened and help fix it. On top of that, it's been quite a while since I last visited; I believe you were about nine or ten when I last dropped by, and it's been much too long."

"Okay, I'm a little more sold on you actually being L," Mello admitted, albeit a little viciously. "But still, I have my—" I pulled a bar of chocolate out of my pocket, handing it over to the emotional teen knowing it was his favorite brand. "Ohmigosh, I love you! Alright, you're L. No doubts anymore. What I wanna know is why you want to go back to being an adult; you get to have so much fun as a teenager. No real responsibilities, no bills, no jobs to worry about, and no wrinkles! Shit, you could look good as me!"

"If you wanna look like a hermaphrodite," Light-kun grumbled under his breath.

Leaning forward, Mello looked past me and smiled sickeningly-sweet at the young adult attached to my wrist. "I'm sorry, what was that? Could you repeat that for me?"

"My looks pale in comparison to yours!" he squeaked, hiding his face in my shoulder as Mello smirked, satisfied with himself. "The blond one still scares me…" he whispered in my ear, shaking against my body and burying his face further into my shoulder to the point where it was painful.

"Light-kun," I addressed him, hesitantly patting him on his back, "I do not mean to be rude, but your nose is rather prominent, pointy, and digging into my shoulder; it's becoming quite painful. Would you mind please removing your face from its spot? Thank you." After Light-kun moved, I looked back and forth between my top three successors. "Do we still have a computer room? With access to the files and internet?" All three of them nodded, and I withdrew a key from my pocket, using it to unlock the handcuffs conjoining Light-kun and I. "Matt, can you please take Light-kun on a tour of the house? I can't have him looking over my shoulder while I access classified files."

* * *

I couldn't believe what I was hearing; Ryuuzaki was unchaining us! I still wasn't entirely sure why he chained us in the first place, considering I'm as innocent as they come, but there was no use arguing with the persistent and stubborn detective. Now, to make my move… "FREEDOM!" I shouted, bolting away from Ryuuzaki before tripping over something and falling flat on my face. Glancing up, I saw that Matt kid standing there, foot extended and face buried in his handheld game-thingy. "Dammit," I swore quietly, accepting the help as Matt bent down to pull me back to my feet.

"Sorry, man," he apologized, pocketing his game system, "but if L had you chained, it was probably for a damn good reason. Therefore, you ain't runnin' off while I'm watching you. Now c'mon, I'll show you around, and feel free to ask questions; I am here for your entertainment."

As we walked, I swore I saw a pocketknife in his jeans, so I definitely wasn't going to try to escape again. "Hey, Matt?" He regarded me with a 'hmm?' without looking at me. "What's Mello's problem?"

"Whadda ya mean?"

"Like, why is he how he is? Why does he hate Near, why doesn't he like me much, and why hasn't he killed you yet? He certainly doesn't seem like the friendly type."

We stopped at a room, which I quickly determined to be Matt's since he just waltzed in and set his game-thingy down on the dresser, leaving his goggles there as well. "To answer the Near question, I'll have to tell a bit of a story. You'll have to bear with me and use your imagination here. To start off, there are two boys: one boy has blond hair, and one boy has white hair. The blond boy and the white-haired boy are the best of friends. Nothing could ever separate them. One day, the blond boy accidentally trips over another boy, this one with bright red hair and funny-looking goggles. After getting to know the boy, the blond and the redhead become even closer than the blond had ever been with the white-haired boy. Feeling betrayed by his best friend, the white-haired boy decides to give up showing all emotion. You followin' me?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded, sitting next to him on one of the beds.

"Sweet. So, the white-haired boy doesn't show emotion anymore, which really pisses the blond boy off because all he wanted to do was apologize for not spending time with him. His growing dislike for the younger boy only worsened when they were about nine and first began competing for the rank of first; you see, the blond boy always wanted to be first, but the white-haired boy always was. Then a whole shitload of godknowswhat happened and now Mello hates Near."

_That _explained a lot. "Is that why he hates me, too? Because I'm a threat to his intellectual abilities?"

He shook his head, laughing. "No, he hates you because you're close to L. L is like, his number one idol, and he generally dislikes anyone closer to him than himself. Don't worry, though, you seem cool enough that he might actually warm up to you. To answer your last question, I don't know. I guess he just likes me enough to not beat on me."

"Oh, okay."

"C'mon," he stood, pulling me up with him, "I wanna show you around." Following willingly, I let myself be led out the door and down the hallway to the outside playing area, not protesting as he walked us over to a group of younger teens. "Light-o, I'd like you to meet Linda," he motioned to a little strawberry-blonde girl with pigtails that waved shyly at me, "Jason," this time it was a brunet boy with a band-aid on his cheek, "Ellie," he pointed to a pretty Puerto Rican girl, "and Mace," he finished, pointing out a scruffy-haired blond boy busying himself with tackling Jason. "Guys, this is Light Yagami. He's here with L."

"¿_L está aquí_?"

"No way!"

"I wanna see him!"

"You're really pretty, Light!" I blushed at this one, averting my eyes from Linda and grinning like an idiot.

Matt punched me playfully in the shoulder, winking teasingly at me. "Look at that, Glowstick. You haven't even been here for two hours and the girls are already falling for you. Give it some more time and I'm sure that hormonal little L will be all over you, too."

"I-It's not what you think!" I vehemently denied, waving my arms frantically. I mean, God! I had a fucking girlfriend! "I have a girlfriend," I said a little too quickly, causing Matt's grin to spread even farther as he snickered almost inaudibly.

"Sure, sure," he started, leading me back toward the house, "whatever you say. It's just _my _opinion, after all. Chances are, it's not even right. Let's go to the library; there's bound to be a few more people I can introduce you to."

* * *

"Um, has anybody seen Light or Ryuuzaki this morning?" Matsuda asked, leaning forward in his seat and resting his hands on his knees. "Even better, has anybody seen Watari?"

Right then, Misa burst through the door, looking frantic and screaming, "Misa can't find Light-chan! Where is Light-chan? Misa's so confused and she doesn't know where her boyfriend is! Matsuda, do you know where Light-chan is?" Matsuda shook his head. "DAMMIT! WHERE THE FUCK IS LIGHT-CHAN?"

As Misa laid waste to the task force headquarters, Aizawa leaned in toward Matsuda and whispered, "Watari said something about a shaman. Didn't get a chance to ask about Ryuuzaki and Light. Chances are they're safe, wherever they are."

"I sure hope so."

"FUCKING HELL, WHERE THE HELL IS MY GODDAMN LIGHT-CHAN?"


	3. Search engines suck sometimes

"I don't believe it," Mello sighed, draping an arm over his eyes and flopping out on the couch. "Four hours of searching the Wammy archives, Google, and fucking Yahoo!, and we couldn't come up with a single other occurrence of de-aging." Removing his hand from his face, he suddenly screamed up at the heavens, startling me enough to make me jump in my seat. "Augh!"

Sprawling out on the floor on my stomach, I clicked the 'next page' button on the search engine I was perusing, blinking a few times at the results. "Mello, don't come to any conclusions yet," I started, turning the laptop toward him and angling the screen so he could read it, "because I may have just found what we are looking for. According to this article here, a Ms. Bea Venise woke up one morning mysteriously de-aged to the supple age of fifteen. Her statement says that she had no idea what had happened, but was able to eventually reverse the effects and return to her proper age. It doesn't say how, though."

He grunted, sitting up and pulling one knee up to rest his elbow on it. "So basically, unless you can figure out to reverse it, you're fucked."

"Precisely. And Mello, would it kill you to not enhance your language with foul words?"

"Who the fuck are you, my mother?"

I had forgotten about Near's being there until he spoke up. "Mello, you are an orphan."

"Fuck you, Near!" he screeched, making me wince at the shrill tone.

Smugly, he replied, "Oh, I do not think Matt would appreciate that."

Halting in my internet browsing, I said, "Wait, what?"

"Nothing," Mello said quickly, brushing off the subject. "Didn't Mr. Wammy say he was headed to one of those far away and shit countries to talk to one of them shemans?"

"Shamans?" I asked, trying to figure out what he meant by 'shemans.'

He nodded. "Yeah, one of those guys. Medicine men, I think they're also called. What good does Wammy expect this guy to do, anyway? Is he gonna cast some hocus pocus and change you back or something?"

"One could only hope." In truth, I didn't know what good Watari thought a shaman would do for me, but I trusted him enough to let him try. As if in a bad sitcom, the only father I'd ever known called the cell phone Light-kun had left behind. I picked it up, holding it to my ear and scrolling down to read more of the article I still had pulled up in my browser. "Hello?"

_"L, I have good news. The shaman I went to visit will be able to fix your problem, and you'll be able to revert back to being an adult."_

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "And what's the bad news?"

_"You'll have to travel around the world and collect the materials, ingredients if you will, for the shaman so he can re-age you. I have the list of things with me as we speak."_

Grabbing a sharpie off the nearest table, I quickly glanced around to look for a sheet of paper; not finding one I pushed Near onto his back, unbuttoned his shirt, and started taking notes on his stomach. By the time Watari hung up the phone, I had written down 'chunk of jadeite, one rare _Philodendron moonenii_, one New York pretzel, three volcanic rocks from Vesuvius, one EXPO marker.'

Reading Near's stomach, Mello asked, "So who's coming with you?"

"You, Near, Matt, Light-kun, and I will be the ones on this journey," I answered, opening up Google and searching for plane tickets to Italy.

"Why the hell do we have to take your boy toy?" Mello pouted, crossing his arms over his chest and huffing.

Blushing at the words 'boy toy,' I responded, "Because Light-kun is eighteen, and we may need an adult for travel reasons. Besides, Light-kun is my top suspect. I must keep a close eye on him." Pulling my emergency credit card out of my back pocket, I typed in the information and hit 'print,' sending our boarding passes to the wireless printer. "Mello, Near, go start packing. We'll be leaving Wednesday morning at ten o' clock sharp for a one o' clock flight to Italy. If it's not too much trouble for you Mello, would you mind finding Matt and Light-kun and bringing them back here? "

"Aye aye, cap'n," he grinned, giving a small salute before dragging Near out of the room with him. Not too long after they had left, Light-kun came speeding into the room, covered in lipstick prints and red in the face as he closed the door quickly.

"You have _no _idea what I've been through today, Ryuuzaki," he panted, bending over to gasp for air while placing his hands on his knees.

I cocked my head to the side as I stood up, looking at him up and down. "Light-kun, I think I do know what you've been through. My female successors are not used to seeing males as attractive as yourself," I mused honestly, not realizing what exactly I'd said until his eyes widened.

"You…think I'm attractive?" he questioned in a small voice, face reddening just a bit.

"Um…y-yes. I do."

He paused for a moment. "Uh, cool. 'Cause I, um, think you're attractive, too."

The entire room went silent for far too long, both of us standing there staring at each other for who knows how long. Eventually, Light-kun spoke again, saying, "You must be a hit with the girls. I heard most girls like cute boys."

"No, you're better. Pure aesthetic appeal is all the rage nowadays."

"You're just being modest; Lord knows you'd be better with the ladies than I am."

"Poppycock, Light-kun. I'm rather terrible with the female gender myself."

"Yeah…"

"Uh-huh…"

Pursing my lips, I cautiously proceeded forward, stepping closer to him while he stood still, frozen in place. I continued stepping in, not stopping even when I could feel our breaths mingling, instead moving daringly closer and closer and closer, our lips just seconds away from touching…

I snapped the handcuff onto his wrist, attaching the other side to my own body before stepping back, trying to ignore how hard my heart was pounding in my chest. Inside, I couldn't believe what had just happened; had I a lack of self-control, Light-kun would have held the honor of being my very first kiss. What I didn't understand was why that thought made my heart speed up and my face burn. Immediately I pegged it to be my now-teenaged body acting up and sending my hormones into overdrive, but a little part of me refused to believe that deduction.

Light-kun let out a light cough. "So…what do you want to do for now?"

"I'd like to take a nap, if you don't mind," I mumbled, unable to look him in the eyes as I led him to the room we'd be staying in during our duration at Wammy's, almost instantly snuggling underneath the covers as he did the same. Pointedly, I kept my distance from him, feeling myself starting to fall asleep, and in no time at all I had dozed off, only awoken a couple hours later by a loud crash. Snapping my eyes open, I noticed Light-kun's arms around my waist; I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but only succeeded in waking him up.

"Ryuuzaki, what the hell?" he muttered sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes while keeping one arm around me. Flushing, he let go, scooting to the other side of the bed before sliding off. "What'd you wake me up for?"

Motioning for him to follow me, I whispered, "I heard a loud crash. I fear the worst." Shrugging, he tailed me, all the way to a janitor's closet down the hall. I placed one finger on my lip to indicate to Light-kun that he needed to be silent. When I opened the door, the sight I beheld was not one that I expected.

Matt had Mello pushed against the wall, the blond's legs wrapped his waist and his hands fisted in the redhead's hair as their mouths collided. I gave a small cough to alert the two of my presence, and they promptly scrambled away from each other, looking everywhere but at the other. "H-Hey, L," Matt greeted shakily, face beet-red and sweaty. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Matt." He winced, shutting his eyes tightly and waiting for me to continue. "Matt, why didn't you tell me that you and Mello were more than just friends?"

Unexpectedly, Mello answered the question. "Because the last person we told threw holy water at us and threatened our very souls to an eternity in the fiery pits of hell," he deadpanned, shoving his hands in his pockets and shrugging nonchalantly. "Plus, we didn't think you needed to know."

"Mello, you and Matt are my successors," I sighed, running a hand through my hair, "and I do care about what you do with yourselves. Therefore, telling me about big things such as your relationship with Matt is essential to a successful relationship with me. I don't hate you, and I don't think anything you could do would make me hate you. Just…use protection." Closing the door, I walked Light-kun and I back to our room, falling face-first onto the bed as my companion settled down next to me.

"Are you alright, Ryuuzaki?"

I lifted my head enough to glare at him. "Light-kun, I just found my second and third successors making out in a closet. On top of that, they didn't trust me enough to tell me about their relationship. I'm absolutely _peachy_."

"Wow, didn't know you had a sense of humor."

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me." _Wait. Shit. Damn innuendos. _"Never mind."

**

* * *

Author's Note: **Next chapter, our boys head to Italy!


	4. Mismatched little group of geniuses

I woke up a good three hours before Ryuuzaki to find him snuggled up into my chest with his arms wrapped around me. A glance over at the clock told me it was only five in the morning, and I really didn't have the heart to wake him up just to get him to move.

So I let him stay there, but I didn't enjoy it all.

At. All. Nope, not at all. I was most certainly _not _enjoying the sight of a younger Ryuuzaki cuddling up to me, I was _not _enjoying the little sighs he made in his sleep, and I was definitely _not _enjoying the way it made me feel like I'd just ran a marathon.

In fact, I found the whole situation quite un-enjoyable, regardless of what my body said. What did it know? My brain was in my head. Psh.

_Don't deny it, Light,_ my inner voice teased, and I realized it sounded strikingly like Sayu. _You totally like him._

**No, I don't, **I thought back, my breath skipping as the world's three greatest detectives dug deeper into my torso.

_Yes, you do._

**No, I don't.**

_Do. Just look at how cute he is!_

**Don't. Ryuuzaki's a boy, as am I, and I'm not gay. Because perfect people are straight, and Light Yagami is perfect. By the power of substitution, one would conclude that Light Yagami is straight. End of story.**

"Sayu" sighed, biting "her" metaphorical lip. _Just look at him, Light, and tell me he's not the least bit adorable._

Hesitantly, I peeked down at the sleeping teen on my chest, feeling a part of my heart melt at the sight. **Fine, but only a little. I'm not attracted to him in any way, shape, or form, though; it's only because he's a teenager now that he looks semi-cute and cuddly…forget I just said that.**

_You liiiiiiiiiiiike him~_

**No, I don't.**

_Yes, you do._

**No, I don't. Now drop it.**

_Yes, you do. I don't think so, bub._

**No, I don't. I mean it.**

_Yes, you do. Fat chance._

**No, I don't. I'm being serious, here. Let. It. Go.**

_Yes, you do. Hmm…no._

**No, I don't.**

_No, you don't._

**Yes, I do.**

_Ha! I knew it!_

**Wait, what? …DAMMIT!**

Sending a scathing thought in "Sayu's" direction as "her" cackling faded away, I slowly brought my hand to rest on Ryuuzaki's back, withdrawing it quickly before moving it back when he twitched in his sleep and lessened the distance between us. I held him tighter, burying my face into his hair and muttering, "Dammit, Ryuuzaki, what the hell are you doing to me? You make all these feelings rise to the surface, feelings I don't want to have but are there anyway. God, what is wrong with me?" With my face still in his hair, I drifted back to sleep until Ryuuzaki woke up at eight.

* * *

I felt pressure on the top of my head as I was waking up, and after rubbing my eyes to clear my vision I leaned my head back to look up, causing my lips to meet Light-kun's. My eyes shot wide open, as did his, and we merely lay there, frozen in place and unable to move regardless of the awkwardness of the situation. Eventually, I gained enough movement ability to pull away a fraction, still nose to nose and blushing stupidly. "I-I apologize, Light-k-kun," I stammered, tripping over my words as my mouth tingled to near numbness.

"Um, it's, uh, okay," he mumbled, avoiding my eyes as I disentangled myself from him and stretched, un-cuffing myself and attaching the end to one of the bedposts. "Ryuuzaki, what the hell?"

"I need to shower," I replied, tugging on the chain to make sure it would hold, "and I'd like to do so alone this morning. Therefore, I have handcuffed you to the bed to make sure you cannot go anywhere without my supervision. It's just a precaution, Light-kun." As quickly as possible, I hurried into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, walking forward to the sink in front of the mirror and placing both hands on the edge of the counter, sighing.

_What the _fuck _was that? _my subconscious demanded, and for some reason it decided to sound like Mello.

Pursing my lips, I undressed and stepped into the shower, turning on the water. **I believe it was a kiss; my very first, to be exact.**

_So why the hell are you in here when you should be out there snoggin' it up with Brighty?_

**Because I have modesty, "Mello," **I answered calmly, lathering my hair with shampoo, **and because it was all just an unfortunate accident. Light-kun does not feel that way about me, nor do I for him, and simply acting on an impulse due to an unplanned, spontaneous, accidental even would be catastrophic to the Kira investigation, my chances of re-aging, and my friendship with Light-kun.**

_Boo-frickity-hoo, L. This is the reason you fail in love; you don't when to push forward and when to pull back. Get some fucking _experience _and you'll do fine. However, you continue to be a fucking idiot in the realms of human relationships, and have thereby completely fucked up any chance to find that one special person._

**There was never any need for even platonic relationships because of my being L, so one could assume that I have little to no social skills.**

_Wow, no shit. And that's why you should pick me to be your successor instead of sheepy. I've got feelings and people skills. He's got…the ability to solve a Rubik's Cube in record time. BIG FUCKING WHOOP. All that aside, if you give you-and-Yagami a chance, you might find that he's the one. If not, you can always try again._

**I'm beginning to think that being a detective would not be the best career for you. Perhaps you should think about being a marriage counselor.**

_Just shut the fuck up and finish your shower._

A few minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom with a towel around my waist and my clothes in my arms. Tightening the towel, I unlatched Light-kun from the bed and all but pushed him into the bathroom so I could get dressed. After I had dressed, and he had showered and gotten dressed, we lugged our suitcases out from underneath the bed and threw two days worth of clothing and other necessities into a duffel bag; I packed the chain, rather than attaching it to Light-kun and I, because going through security with it on would be a bitch.

…I think I spent too much time around Mello.

Light-kun grabbed the bag and walked out as I followed closely behind, heading to the common room to meet my three successors and do final checks of things to bring. I gaped at Mello's outfit when he finally came into view. "Mello, what the hell are you wearing?"

"Leather," he said nonchalantly, playing with Matt's fingers as Light-kun and I just stared at him; he'd shed his loose cotton shirt and sweatpants for a midriff leather vest, tight leather pants with a corset of laces in the front, leather boots, a pair of leather gloves, and a rosary I didn't know he had. "Matt says it makes me look sexy."

Matt nodded, shifting his position from lying in Mello's lap to sitting in it, pressing himself bodily against his "friend" (I discovered them partaking in nearly pornographic endeavors in a closet. Are they technically "boyfriends?") and purring, "But it really makes you look sexi_er_," before, much to mine and Light-kun's displeasure, kissing him full-on. I coughed loudly, letting them know everyone else's discomfort with their rather obnoxious personal displays of affection.

"We'll be leaving for the airport soon," I announced, yanking Light-kun toward the front door and telling everyone else to stay put and wait for one of the housekeepers to call on them and get them into a car to head to the airport. Still with a hold on Light-kun, I dragged him outside and closed the door behind us, letting him go and looking him straight in the eyes. "Light-kun…"

He nodded, understanding what I was referring to. "We'll just forget it ever happened, Ryuuzaki. No harm was done, just a simple accident."

"Since we're forgetting the occurrence of the 'event,'" I started, "I suppose you can forget that I'm going to say that it happened to be my first kiss. It does not matter, however, because we are referring to an event that never transpired. On that note, would you like to walk around the grounds while we wait?"

* * *

"I can't sit by and watch this shit anymore," Mello growled, banging his fist on the coffee table in front of the couch and sighing. "We need to do something. I swear, by the end of this damn trip, L and Light will be together if it's the last thing I do. There's just too much awkwardness between them, and it's really starting to grate my nerves like some kind of cheese. Matt, you're helping."

Not even bothering to pay attention, I replied, "'Kay," like the puppy I truly am. "But what about Near, Mels?"

"What about Near?" I looked up from my game and sent a withering glare his direction that made him cross his arms over his chest and huff. "Fine. Sheep, you're helping, too. Not like I really had a choice, but…"

"So, what's the plan?" I asked, shutting off my PSP and pocketing it before readjusting my goggles over my eyes. "Y'know, if there actually is one."

Smirking, he answered, "Tension. We're going to up the tension until that damn rubber band breaks under the pressure. It's _genius_."

* * *

The ride to the airport was long and uncomfortable for the two protagonists. Wait, which two, you say? L and Light, of course. If you hadn't known that, the narrator suggests you go back and read the story from the beginning. It usually helps clear up any confusion on things like that.

Anyway, the air in the limo was so thick with tension one could cut it with a knife and serve it up with a prime cut of beef. Not only did L have to sit directly next to Light, but it was so cramped that their thighs brushed every time the car hit the smallest of bumps, and L was afraid that if his face heated up anymore, it just might burn right off.

Poor guy.

Moving on, as soon as the mismatched little group of geniuses finally made it to the security checkpoint, they realized that as a mismatched little group of geniuses they looked rather suspicious traveling with just each other. At this point, the narrator would like to commend Light on his quick thinking because she would never be able to improv that well. "Um, I'm escorting my girlfriend and her cousins to visit her grandmother in Italy," he lied, holding Mello closer to him as the snarky bastard of a blond silently planned Light's demise before realizing he needed to be alive to successfully enact his "Get L and Light Together by the End of the Fucking Trip" plan.

Luckily for the mismatched little group of geniuses, the security personnel was not a genius and couldn't see right through them, allowing them passage through the security gates of hell and onto a brighter, better future on the other side of the metal detectors. Once everybody's favorite mismatched little group of geniuses boarded the plane, they figured out that there were three seats on each side of the plane, meaning one of them would be sitting next to a complete stranger. L, Light, and Mello occupied one side of the row, while Matt, Near, and some unnamed guy sat in the other. Just pretend unnamed guy's name is Bob.

Sometime during the flight, Matt stage-whispered to L that he needed to use the lavatories, and not even a second after he left Mello made to stand up but was pulled back down by an unhappy and not amused L who muttered something about "having some decency" and not "joining any Mile High Club." A few hours later, the mismatched little group of geniuses landed in Italy, grabbing their bags (since each was allowed a carry-on, their duffel bags acted as such and there was no need to check any baggage) and walking off the plane, through the airport, hailing a taxi, and speeding off to their hotel.

With the total four and a half hours of travel time, plus the hour difference between the two countries, it was about six-thirty, and the mismatched little group of geniuses was rather hungry, so after dropping their shit off in their room, they headed out to hopefully find some dinner. By the time they had finished eating, it was too dark to take a trolley to Pompeii, so they retired for the night with the decision to start early the next morning.

After breakfast, of course.

Because the narrator feels like being a cheap-ass and not allowing L to have the ability to pay for another room, and also for her own sick enjoyment of awkward circumstances, all five mismatched little geniuses had to share the same room. There were only two beds, they realized, and quickly assigned sleeping arrangements: L would bed with Light, Mello with Matt, and Near could choose either bed or the floor. He chose the floor.

At eleven o' clock, Near was asleep soundly on the floor, clutching his stuffed teddy bear; Mello and Matt were cuddling deep underneath the sheets, also passed out; and L and Light were both painfully awake and making a point to stay as far away from each other as possible.

It was a _loooooong _night for the two of them.

**

* * *

Author's Note: **lol rly awkward, guise. :P

I enjoy torturing those poor boys. I do. Oh, and in later chapters, expect point-of-view switches such as these. However, I'm not going to mark them with "So-and-so's POV." It should be obvious whose it is.


	5. Italy

"Ah, it's adorable. Just look at 'em."

"Yeah, it's not gonna be so damn adorable when they wake up and jump the hell away from each other. What the fuck is making them hold back from acting on their feelings?"

"Fuck if I know, Mels. But at least they can enjoy it subconsciously while they sleep."

"Rather, as long as they can stay asleep with us watching them like fucking creepers and shit. Why don't you want to crawl back into bed and just huggle, Matt? I thought you liked huggling with me."

"Only while naked, and you know we can't get nekkid with others in the room."

"Mello, Matt, what on earth are you two cooing over?"

"L and 100-Watt are snugglin' it up under the covers, but it's rather irritating that they won't just come out to each other and tell their real feelings. And who the hell said you could spy on us, puffball?"

"Mello, it's too damn early in the morning to be snarky. Can't you just be nice to Near for once?"

"I would certainly like that, Mello."

"Fuck off, cloudy. I don't like you, end of story. It'll be a cold fucking day in hell when I'm ever actually civil to you."

"I do not understand from where your feelings of dislike stemmed, as I am always perfectly civil and polite to you. All I ask is that, at least for one day, my feelings of respect and civility could be mutual. When are you going to realize that I do not hate you?"

"…he's right, y'know. He doesn't hate you; the hatred between you two, as well as Linda's feelings toward me, happens to be one-sided."

"Thank you, Matt."

"Whose side are you on, Stripes? Mine or curly's?"

The redhead held his hands up defensively. "Hey, don't ask me that. I'm Switzerland. This is between the two of you. However, I'd advise that you don't start yelling at him, because I'm sure that it would wake L and Light up, and I can't imagine that either of them would be happy to find out that we were watching them in their sleep."

"Were you aware, Mello, that hate is actually a perverse form of love?"

"Were you aware, Near, that I'd like nothing more than to gut you and use your intestines as a jumprope?"

"Yes, actually. Though the thought is rather grotesque and unpleasant for me, you do not do a very good job of hiding your true emotions and intentions, nor are you adequate at expressing your desires quietly. I believe the entirety of Wammy's House could hear you the last time I beat you in the rankings."

"Once again, gonna have to agree with Near. You did scream, 'I'm gonna rip that fucking albino open and double-dutch with his damn intestines if he beats me again!'"

"It's sad, really, that my own _boyfriend_ isn't siding with me."

"Like I said before, Switzerland. I'm not siding with either of you. Y'all need to work it out on your own."

"I concur."

"Whatever. …did you just say y'all?"

"No. Maybe. Kinda. Okay, yes. So what?"

"…don't do it again. It's not hot."

"They are stirring, and I am going to have to suggest that we go back to lying down and pretending to still be asleep." The three young geniuses went back to their sleeping positions (Mello and Matt huddled underneath their sheets and Near curled on the floor like some kind of damn cat), making it a point to not 'wake up' until either L or Light shook them 'awake.' Their little 'fake 'em out' plan ended up working, and the narrator finds this kinda funny because she's tried the same thing, only to have the other person realize she was, in fact, actually awake.

The narrator's going to try to avoid breaking the fourth wall too much, because she's got far too much schoolwork to do to hire a contractor. Also, a hole in the wall means her dogs get out, and it really sucks for her to have to chase them down.

L woke a few minutes before the brunet he was cuddled up against, and took that opportunity to scramble away from him and over to his side of the bed, cursing himself for waking up in the same position for the third time in a row. Instantly, he blamed it on his sudden rush of hormones due to being a teenager, but some part of him was yelling at him to snuggle back up with Light.

He ignored it, much to the chagrin of the narrator and millions of fangirls.

After shaking the rather dirty thoughts from his mind, the world's three greatest detectives realized he had a) a bit of a problem, and b) to wake up his successors. In his genius little mind, he was juggling with the choice of what to attend to first: his raging hormones, or his successors. Hormones, successors. Hormones, successors. Hormones, succe—oh, who the fuck was he kidding. Hormones.

Unlatching himself from his still-sleeping cru—suspect, he tiptoed over to the bathroom and hopped in the shower, washing himself quickly and relieving himself in the process. As much as you would all like a lovely shower scene, the narrator is on a mission to keep this story at a T rating, so you will have to deal. If you'd like, you can use your imagination.

While L was busy in the shower, Light was slowly gaining consciousness and rolled out of bed, snagged the key to the cuffs off the bedside table, unlocked his side, and shuffled over to the other bed with a hand over his eyes as if preparing to find the worst when he threw the covers off the redhead and blond sharing them. Luckily for him, and once again disappointing many a fangirl, the two teens were simply asleep under the sheets and fully clothed. Of course, if you were paying attention to what happened earlier, you'd know that Mello and Matt (and Near) were not really asleep, but actually just faking it.

After 'waking up,' Mello 'woke' Matt up with a long, messy, tongue-filled kiss, making Light very, _very_ uncomfortable as the teens dismissed his presence and continued their rather annoying make out session. They just stayed there, lying on each other, sliding their tongues together sensually and holding each other close, Mello fisting his hands in Matt's hair and the gamer's hands resting on the small of his love's back, moving their lips in perfect synchronization and making the narrator wonder why it sounds like she's describing porn.

All of this, of fucking course, made poor Lighty squirm where he stood, forcing him to wrench his gaze away and go shake the albino, who was still curled up on the floor like some kind of damn cat, awake. He was met with a large yawn (fake, obviously) and a pair of big, watery, sleep-laced eyes. Fantastic acting, Near; hell, the narrator would probably believe you were really asleep if she didn't know you weren't.

Glancing mistakenly back at the other two of L's successors, Light felt like a voyeur and cleared his throat in an attempt to get them to stop. "Um, excuse me," he said feebly, twiddling his thumbs nervously before running a hand through his bed-head hair. "Excuse me. Ex_cuse_ me. HEY! KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!" They ignored him again, but at that moment L stepped out of the bathroom, dripping wet and covered in nothing but the dreadfully low towel wrapped around his waist.

"Mello, Matt," he spoke in a low voice, the two of them immediately pulling away from each other to smile sheepishly at him. "I would appreciate it if you didn't do that during the length of this trip, as it makes the rest of us a tad uncomfortable. So help me God, I will chain one of you to myself rather than restraining Light-kun if needed."

Light thanked him silently with his eyes, making a mental note to buy him something nice for all the trouble he's helped him with and hurrying off to the bathroom with a towel in front of crotch to hide the rise his voyeurism created.

Ever so discreetly, L's panda eyes followed him to the bathroom, and he sighed in sweet relief when Light closed and locked the door, finally out of sight. _Why does this torture me so? What Mello, Matt, and Light-kun do should not affect me whatsoever, so why does it spark such strange feelings in me?_

Mello looked over at Matt, motioning toward the door with his head and swiping a key card before leaving the room, standing out in front of the door and facing his boyfriend.

* * *

"What is it, Mels?" Matt asked, grabbing my hand and entwining our fingers together, pressing a kiss to my knuckles and staring me straight in the eyes.

"Everything, Mattie," I breathed, dropping my head into the crook of his neck and nuzzling the spot where his neck met his shoulders. "Just…everything. L, Light, L's being turned into a teenager, both of them refusing to share their feelings with each other, everything. The two are friends, but they so fucking obviously feel for each other as more than just friends. It's aggravating to watch."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight to him. "Aggravating to watch, huh? Imagine how irritating it was for the rest of Wammy's to watch us constantly dance around our feelings until I finally decided to do something."

Smiling, I pulled back, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing close enough to make our chests touch, yanking down slightly to bring him closer to my level. "One of these days, I'll be taller than you. But yeah, I remember that; it was the day I got my first kiss. I was so pissed off at you, though, but I can't remember why I was mad. All I remember is how soft your lips were."

"Well then, how 'bout a little refresher?" he teased, letting me go and stepping back about a foot. "You threw a punch like this," he grabbed my hand and curled it into a fist, slowly bringing it forward in a mock haymaker, "and I caught it," he showed the catch, "opened it," he pried open my fist, "laced my fingers with yours," he interlocked our fingers and squeezed my hand, "pushed you into the nearest wall," he pushed me softly into the wall, "and kissed you."

Gently, he captured my mouth in a kiss that made my knees buckle and he let go of my hand, allowing me to reach up and tangle my hands in his beautiful red hair to pull him closer. Out of habit, he brought one hand to rest behind my neck and held me there, though I wasn't going anywhere. We kept it slow, unhurried, and I let myself melt into the purest feeling of love I'd ever known. I heard a sniffle coming from behind us, and broke the kiss to look beyond Matt's shoulder at the crying maid.

"What are you crying about? Don't tell me you're crying for our souls because gays go to hell," I snapped in fluent Italian, holding Matt to me possessively.

She shook her head, saying, "No, I'm crying because the love you two share is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. True love is what it is. Don't ever let each other go." With that, she went on her way down the hall, leaving it empty except for me and the boy I love.

"We should probably go back inside the room, huh?" he offered, and I kissed him again before sticking the key card into the slot and walking back inside hand-in-hand with him. Matt and I dressed quickly, following the others to the breakfast buffet and closing the door behind us. As we walked down the hallway to the elevators, I looked down at our conjoined hands before looking at the way Light's fingers twitched as the close proximity of his hand to L's. Grinning, I nudged Matt and he nodded, apparently having noticed it too.

Inwardly, I smirked wickedly. If Light already wanted to hold L's hand, it just made our job a hell of a lot easier.

* * *

"Light-kun," I said around my eggs, "you have to try these. They're simply fantastic."

Shaking his head, he replied, "No thanks, Ryuuzaki. I don't really like eggs."

"But you'll love these."

"No thanks, Ryuuzaki."

"Hey, Light-kun?"

"Wha—mmph," he started, only to be cut off when I stuck my forkful of eggs into his mouth and pulled it out, watching him chew and swallow as I picked up another portion of eggs and placed the fork into my own mouth. "Um, did you already use that fork when you shoved it in my mouth?"

I nodded, and he blushed profusely. Was there something wrong with it?

Awkward silence ensued, and Mello broke it by blurting out, "So L, what's the plan for today?"

"Head over to Pompeii, meet a tour guide, and make our way to the top of Vesuvius to choose three prime volcanic rocks," I answered, suddenly not feeling very hungry. "Afterwards, I suppose we could explore some tourist destinations and pick up a few souvenirs."

When all of us had finished breakfast, we picked up a trolley that eventually got us to Pompeii, wherein we located a tour guide that was able to take us about halfway up the volcano, but refused to go any farther. Instead, we went the rest of the way on our own, soon enough reaching the top and searching for three good-sized rocks. After we had collected about five, just in case, we came back down and found our tour guide again, and he led us back to the trolley. Lucky for us Mello had brought along a small backpack, and we were able to use it to hold the rocks while we visited different sites and shops.

"L, I'm hungry," Matt complained from his piggy-back position on Mello. "Can we go get lunch?"

I looked over at Light-kun, and after checking his watch he nodded at me and said, "It's about 12:35. I heard there's a great little café somewhere nearby with a fantastic view of Vesuvius. It's about half a mile away from here."

Light-kun was right; lunch was very satisfying, and with a full belly and a refueled 'tank,' so to speak, I let my successors loose to roam around as long as they met at the rendezvous point at the specified time, which I believe was around three. Unfortunately, this left me alone, on a park bench, with Light-kun. "This…has been a rather productive trip so far, Light-kun," I began, trying to break the silence that had fallen between us. Looking up from my lap, I saw how close his face was to mine, and I shuddered under his touch as he cupped my cheek.

"Ryuuzaki," he whispered, moving closer so that his nose touched mine lightly, "you're zoning out on me."

"What?" I said loudly, bringing me back into reality as Light-kun stared at me from the other side of the bench, raising an eyebrow.

"You were zoning out," he, um, _repeated_, making me realize what I thought had just happened was nothing but a daydream. Why was I so disappointed about this, though? "I was asking you what you wanted to do until we all have to meet back up at three."

Blinking, I stared at a spot about two inches to his left and responded robotically, "Oh. I suppose you could choose what we do. I don't have any ideas."

"Well, then let's go shopping. I should buy some trinkets for my family." Nodding, I followed him obediently as we walked from store to store, quickly perusing the merchandise before either buying something small or moving onto the next. The time we spent shopping I spent beating myself up on the inside.

_What the fuck was I thinking? Why do I keep thinking about him this way? I don't have feelings for him!_

**But maybe I do.**

_No, no, no! I don't! I-I just don't!_

**I don't **_**think **_**I have feelings, but he keeps worming his way into my thoughts. Maybe…the feelings are repressed?**

_Ack, no! I can't keep thinking this! I can't—I mean, don't have feelings! I don't!_

**I think I do. But I also think I don't.**

_Which is it?_

**Which is it?**

* * *

"I cannot fathom why exactly you think it is a good idea to spend our remaining hour following L and Light around like an espionage team," Near deadpanned from underneath his glasses and wig, fixing his emotionless gaze on the disguised Mello and Matt in front of him and adjusting his fake glasses as the used-to-be-blond stashed their original clothes into the carrying tote he'd bought.

Mello ran his fingers through his long brown wig and smoothed out the wrinkles in his dress. "Because, _sweetie_," he fake-cooed, patting his 'son' on the head affectionately, "we'd be recognized if we gallivanted around in our normal attire." He anally straightened Matt's own brunet wig before giving him a quick kiss on the nose. "Mattie and I are married, and you're our son. So please, try to make it convincing."

Grinning playfully, Matt grabbed both of his 'wife's' hands in his and purred, "Darling, you look wonderful today. I am one lucky guy to have married a catch like you."

"Stop it, you're embarrassing me!" he giggled girlishly, swatting Matt's hands away from his hips and forcing a blush. "Names, people; I'm Michelle, Mattie's Miles, and you, sheepy, are Nathan. Capiche?"

The two teens nodded, taking their places on either side of Mello with Matt wrapping an arm around his waist and Near clutching onto his hand as they scoped out the area for their targets, spotting them nearby and hurrying inconspicuously over to them, remaining a safe following distance behind them.

When they made it to the rendezvous point at quarter 'til three in their original outfits, Mello and Matt were thoroughly discouraged at the lack of contact L and Light had made with each other. Near really didn't give a damn, but just went along to avoid being left alone. Light noticed their disappointment, and decided not to comment on it.

* * *

**Get L and Light Together by the End of the Fucking Trip**

**Day 1: Italy**

Holy fuck, these two are so goddamn fucking hopeless. After forcing them to sleep in the same bed last night, which evidently led to some seriously hardcore cuddling, they _still_ won't confess their feelings (quite obvious feelings, mind you) to each other. What. The. Fuck. *plops head in hands and shakes it in disbelief*

Mels took me out in the hall to talk to me, and he basically said that it was rather taxing to watch those two idiots be so obviously attracted to each other and not do shit about it. Saying that made me remember how _we_ used to be before _we_ realized our feelings and I took some action. He smiled after I told him that we used to be that way, and then reminded him of exactly how our first kiss went.

I thought it was rather romantic, and so did one of the maids. o/ / /o'

We came back into the room, got dressed, and headed downstairs for breakfast. During the walk down there, Light-o looked like he really wanted to hold L's hand, and Mello noticed it, too. *enter angry mode* UNFORTUNATELY, THE IDIOT DID FUCKING **NOTHING** ABOUT IT AND INSTEAD JUST WALKED DOWN THERE, HAND COMPLETELY L-LESS. FUCKING HELL. ._. [/rant]

PDA didn't work to make them feel uncomfortable enough to leave on their own, so I complained about being hungry. Lunch ensued, and L let us run off by ourselves as long as we met at the trolley station at three. Mello and I had a plan already in place, and I let Near join in, despite Mello's protests.

Espionage, bitches. :D

You is sooooooo jealous. *tee hee*

I'm talkin' full out disguises, people. Mels and I got to be husband and wife while Near played our son. It worked enough to throw Light and L off any thoughts of us being who we actually are, and I can definitely say that it was the most fun I'd had in a while. Sadly, following them proved to be _about as exciting as Pong_. Nothing happened.

*sigh* And I do mean nothing. Absolutely. Fucking. _Nothing_. I could've gotten more entertainment from watching a body decompose.

Well, with any luck, tomorrow will be a fuck of a lot better, and maybe we'll actually see some progress and shit. I'm not counting on it, but Mello's pretty confident about it all, so I guess we'll have to wait and see how it all goes down. Right now it's pretty late, and my oh-so-loving boyfriend's gonna make me sleep on the floor if I don't get off the computer within the next five minutes.

'Til next time, motherfuckers. ^_^

**MOOD: **disappointed  
**LOCATION: **aboard the S.S. Failure, docked in Italy  
**LISTENING TO: **"Dude Looks Like a Lady" by Aerosmith

* * *

**Author's Note: **I read "Heartburn" by Holli-chan (read it, it's epic) and really liked the idea of Matt having a blog. So, I gave him one to rant about the happenings of the day in. There won't be one every chapter, but there will be one after every attempted step in the Wammies' plan to get L and Light together by the end of the fucking trip. :)


	6. What the fuck?

"I find it fascinating, really," Mello mused, staring wistfully at a fly on the window as I walked over and stood next to him, "that something that knows it has a mere twenty-four hours to live spends its last moments in the company of those most likely to kill it."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Mello, it's a fly."

Ignoring me, he continued, "Is it suicidal stupidity? Or rather, poetic justice? Those flies… they go right into the heart of their soon-to-be murderer's domains, as if teasing them, taunting them. It's almost as if they're saying, 'I know what's coming, and I'm not afraid.' Such brave, brave little creatures."

"It's just a fly. Don't you think you're over-analyzing it?"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" he whisper-yelled, trying to keep quiet so as to not wake up the rest of our group. "This little creation of God is just as important as you and I, and he deserves to be treated with respect. In fact, I have half a mind to say he's in possession of twice the amount of balls you'll ever have!"

Resisting the sudden urge to bang my head against the wall, I muttered, "Once again, it's just a fly. As far as I'm concerned, these little bastards serve no purpose on this planet other than to annoy the piss out of me while I'm trying to eat dinner."

He huffed, glaring sideways at me and lightly placing his right hand about six inches away from the fly, as if wanting to caress it but not wanting it to leave. "You just can't appreciate the beauty of life, and I pity you. I pity you highly. Your heart is filled with an unbridled amount of hatred and lies, and you seek to understand things you can't even begin to comprehend. To you, love and beauty are just words, just possessions, but to me, they're everything."

Giving one last longing look at the 'little bastard,' he whipped a flyswatter from somewhere and smacked it on the window, smirking at his perfect aim and flawless execution.

"What the hell, Mello?" I asked incredulously, beyond confused at what had just happened.

Rolling his eyes, he turned his back on me and headed away from the window. "There was a fly. The hell else was I supposed to do, talk to it?" he replied sarcastically, purposely kicking Near on his way to the bathroom. Even after he closed the bathroom door, I could still hear him. "Talking to flies. You're one fucked up dude, Light."

Feeling my eye twitch, I continued staring in the direction of the bathroom, coming back to reality only after I heard Ryuuzaki speak up. "He gets like that sometimes, Light-kun," he said, voice sleep-laced as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "You shouldn't try to make much of it; it rarely means anything, and the times it does are few and far between."

"He must be a _riot _when drunk," I deadpanned, pinching the bridge of my nose in irritation before shuffling over to wake Matt and Near up, only to find them already awake and well-aware of what had just happened.

Matt grinned at me. "Hell, you think that was weird? You should've seen him the first time he tried drugs; crazy shit, man. Near can tell you all about it. Right, buddy?"

"First of all," he started, voice as monotone as usual, "I am not your 'buddy.' I have no real interest in anything you or Mello do, so kindly stop trying to include me in everything. Second, there are some memories I work to repress and block from my mind to spare myself the mental trauma. Why do you insist on bringing them back up?"

Sticking his tongue out playfully at the 'fun-sucker,' as I'd heard Near called before, Matt explained, "So, Mels and I were at this crazy party, right?"

"I don't know; I wasn't there."

"What?"

"…never mind. Continue."

"Oh… so, crazy party. One person brought something in a baggie, and seriously, to this day I still don't know what the fuck it was. Anyway, Mels decided to try some, and from then on he was loopy as all hell. When he woke up the next morning after passing out, he was wearing an obscenely short mini-dress, had no underwear on, and was apparently using a lampshade as a hat. He vowed never to do drugs again."

Staring at him for a while, I looked over at Near, who was shaking his head as if saying 'no comment.' I turned around to face Ryuuzaki again and blinked at him a few times, pressing my lips into a thin line. "Do I _really _wanna know?"

"Probably not, Light-kun. It's for the best."

"Oh, I'm not complaining."

He sighed. "My successors are a bit… quirky." No shit, Ryuuzaki. "It's really not a big deal, just a little bit distracting. They are all good-natured, upstanding citizens, but, as with any person, they have their abnormalities that are a tad bit of a drawback."

Before I could say something to that, Matt pounded loudly on the bathroom door. "MELLO, HURRY THE FUCK UP! I HAVE A BONER I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF!"

Ryuuzaki and I both shuddered at the same time. "Okay, I could've lived my whole life without knowing that."

"Same here, Light-kun."

Motioning to Matt, I said, "So, is modesty one of those traits that 'good-natured, upstanding citizens' have? Or did I miss that memo?"

"A true friend accepts the flaws in the other's family."

Having successfully caught my attention, I took a good look at Ryuuzaki; with his big, innocent eyes, it was hard to dislike anyone he was even remotely associated with. Just the sight of him made me feel like melting, and I sat down on Matt and Mello's bed to make sure my knees didn't give out. "I never said I denounced them, did I?"

"It was implied."

"I never imply things."

"You're also a liar, Light-kun."

Fighting off a pout, I challenged, "Oh, yeah? When have I ever lied to you?"

"Last week, when I asked if you were the one that emptied the shampoo bottle and neglected to tell someone. You adamantly denied that it was you, despite the conclusive evidence."

"Well, that was only once! I'd like to see you try to find another example."

"Direct lies, or indirect? I have a plethora."

"ALRIGHT," Mello announced loudly as he walked out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a pair of acid-wash skinny jeans and his rosary, "break it up, ladies." Putting on a British accent (hilariously enough, he didn't have one normally. I didn't bother asking), he mock-complained, "Goodness knows the bloody tension in this room will make my hair frizz."

I pulled a face. "For fuck's sake, Mello, put a damn shirt on."

* * *

The floor there was quite comfortable. The carpet was soft, silky, and had many endearing qualities that made me feel warm and cozy. Were it not for the pathetic and pointless banter transpiring, I could have fallen back asleep.

With nothing else left to do, I absolved to grabbing my stuffed bear and heading silently off to the bathroom to shower after Matt finished and came back out.

They did not miss me.

Not that I cared.

* * *

Teru Mikami sat down in front of his computer, flicking it on and sipping from his cup of coffee methodically. "Time to check my email," he said decisively, opening up an internet browser and logging into his account. "Let's see…" He opened the first one.

_"Mikami Teru,_

_We regret to inform you that your order has been delayed due to unforeseen circumstances. You can call our 24-hour service desk if you have any questions or concerns, or you can reply to this email with any complaints. We are very sorry for the inconvenience, and we hope to have your order to you as soon as possible._

_Thank you for your understanding,_

_UPS"_

Sipping again at his java, he hovered his finger over the 'delete' button calmly before jamming it down forcefully, making it clack loudly. "DELETE!"

_"Teru,_

_When are you going to come out and visit again? It's been too long, son, and I have missed your company._

_Please write back,_

_Mom"_

"DELETE!" Clack.

And so it continued for nearly half an hour.

_Playboy. _"DELETE!" Clack.

_Comcast. _"DELETE!" Clack.

_Yahoo! _"DELETE!" Clack.

_Royal Caribbean International, Princess Cruises, Disney. _"DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!" Clack, clack, clack.

_Suave Hair Care Products. _"DEL—wait. SAVE!"

**

* * *

Author's Note: **This chapter got rewritten so many flipping times because Light sounded too damn much like Mello.

I'm pretty okay with this version, though. DELETE, BITCHES!


End file.
